| | Finally, I have something worthwhile to tell you about. I mean, my life's been fairly eventful of late, but it's mostly the guess-what-Kevin-did variety of eventful, which tends to nauseate even me in the retelling. My life goes like this: CLEAN COOK READ APPLY FOR JOBS SNUGGLE WITH KEVIN REPEAT UNTIL DEAD. So, y'know. Time to mix it up a bit with a pinch of disaster. ________________________________________________________________
The Almighty Stench or, I Swear I'm Not Being Abused
(As first told to Flynn Burklin, who is awesome.)
I sent Kevin to work, day before yesterday, with a big tupperware container full of Wal-Mart broccoli, rice and cheese. 'Cause, you know, that stuff's cheap. And it's a large recipe, too-- Kevin ate to bestuffment and brought home a good two or three ounces in the tupperware, which I set on the counter to be cleaned later.
Somehow it got tucked behind the paper towels, and I forgot about it.
Today, as I rummaged for something to fill my rumbling tummy, I noticed an odd odor in the kitchen. Poking around, I discovered the tupperware. Could this be the source of the smell?
Opened it.
YES IN FACT IT COULD BE.
Gagging, teary-eyed, and not entirely in control of my functions, I emptied the tupperware into the trash and ran hot water with soap over it. However, as you've probably already guessed, the trash failed to contain the stench.
So there I was, washing the tupperware, trying to figure out why I was still gagging. And I mean seriously gagging; I gave myself hiccups. Not cute little 'hup' hiccups, either-- I'm talking major diaphragmic spasms that sound like distressed seabirds when my mouth's open and rip my eardrums in when my mouth's closed.
Then it hit me: I just dumped all that nasty crap in the trash! WHAT
I sacked up the trash, still gagging and hiccupping, and hauled it to the dumpster. I was still barefoot and wild-haired, and I probably looked at least half-crazy. I scared this lady in the parking lot, who was just trying to unload her kids from her truck.
Then I came back up to the house, turned off the AC, opened all the doors and windows, lit candles and turned on the stove and bathroom fans. The cloud of stink was, at this point, nearly visible. And I was still wracked with hiccups.
Plus, to make matters worse, remember the reason I went in the kitchen in the first place? Yeah. I was still starving. And there was no way to eat anything in here without smelling that the whole time.
Thus, I was standing at the fridge, looking for something really garlicky that might help cover the stench long enough for me to devour my food...
...when I heard a voice at the door. "Are you okay?"
It's the lady from the truck. Her kids are clustered around her knees, making faces. Doubtless the stink has reached them where they stand, right outside my front door.
"Erm, yes," I say, "I just uh see there was this broccoli."
"Oh, I mean, I heard these awful whooping sobbing noises and I thought... you know.. I mean, I thought you might be injured."
Whooping sobbing noises. "Oh. Yeah. Um, I have hiccups?" Way to be persuasive there, Elise, now she's going to think your husband was beating you.
"Okay, well, you ummmm call the police if there's any trouble, okay?"
So now I'm sitting in my gassy house WITH THE DOOR CLOSED, eating green olives with capers and pickles on toast, hoping the woman didn't call the cops or anything because if they smell this place they will surely convict me of running a meth lab.
The end.
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| | Posted 7/11/2008 7:21 PM - 101 Views - 18 eProps - 9 comments
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I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!
